March 2nd..

I spent the majority of today absorbed in "Motley Crue",, the dirt. The autobiography of Motley Crue
Thoughtless, entertaining, but mindless reading. .

Anything to keep my mind off of the dread this day brings.

2 years

2 years since my dad died. This days marks the death of my dad and within a week I will be celebrating my daughters 2nd birthday.

It hardly seems fair,, kinda cruel actually.

But,, since when did life become fair ?
I thought it would get easier with time. I must have been kidding myself. It has in fact,,, gotten harder. Thinking about him almost always brings tears to my eyes and hurt in my heart.
I spent the majority of February 2007 at the hospital. Either in the emergency room, with my dad or at one of his many bedsides within those three months prior or in my OB GYN office at my weekly pre natal visits.
Most of the cafeteria and hospital nursing staff knew me by name,, even if they didnt partake in mine or my dads care. Stopping me in the hallways to ask how I or my dad was doing.

At that point I was already dilating , having irregular contractions and was ordered off of work and anticipating the inevitable ealry birth of my daughter in my 8th month of pregnancy. Stay close to home and no strenuous activity.

Try to avoid stress .
HAH! HAH ! DOUBLE hah !

How do you do that when you are taking your dad either to the emergency room, sitting with him day after day by his bedside in the hospital, then in the nursing home and ultimately at his bedside a few feet from your bedroom,, in your home,, watching him wither away on hospice care and trying like heck to avoid going into labor at the "wrong" time. Living with the fear that you may be bringing another beautiful soul into this world ,, all the while your fathers beautiful soul is leaving this workd,, without you by his side.

Avoid stress ? Not a possiblity.

Anyone who takes on the role of caretaker of a dying loved one can attest that you dont think twice about what your doing,, out of love for the other person,, you do it. Without hesitation. You never realize the heartache and guilt and second guessing you endure thereafter when all is said and done.

That last week is like a blur of commotion for me. I followed the ambulance from the hospital to my home,, with my dad in the back. Watched them bring my dad up the stairs on a stretcher and put him in his room ,, on a hospice bed and I scurried to make him his favorite meals.

Five bean soup. Apple Cobbler and home made chili. My house was filled with people it seemed. My brother and his family had come from Tulsa to be with us for part of the time. My sister was there as well. The hospice nurses in and out all day. But the majority of the caretaking had been mine up until that point and I dealt with constant second guesing on what I did wrong to make things happen like they did.
He lived with me. I fed him. I did his laundry. I picked his doctor. I drove him to his doctor appointments. I picked up his prescriptions. I ensured they were all in
the pill box for him to take. I ensured his oxygen tank was working. I ensured he participated in his physical therapy. I waited for him in the waiting room after countless procedures and stent placements. What did" I" do wrong I thought to make this happen the way it had.

This wasnt how it was suppose to be .

He is suppose to meet his grand daughter.

He never did.

But I believe he looks down on her everyday and smiles thinking what a beautiful gift and miracle she is.
He was watching over my son today as he went to freshman baseball tryouts and he was with me this morning when I woke up early,, 5:12 AM,, funny,, right around the time he left this world,, I suddenly awoke and I heard the morning dove outside my window.
I havent heard that dove in months. !
We have had a long long cold winter,,,
But he woke me this morning.
I got my slippers on and a light fleece jacket and went downstairs to see if I could see the morning dove perched out on the porch on the railing where he normally was

He wasnt there,, but I heard him. so I went searching.

He was perched on the gutter ,, right above my dads window.
My dad always loved to sit on that porch and feed the birds with his cup of Mc Donalds coffee in his hand.Perhaps it was just coincidence or it was my own wishful thinking that makes me think in some strange way it was daddy telling me he will always be there. ,, but I prefer to believe the latter.

I guess my point is,,while i havent figured out a less painful way to mourn those you love and I hanvent found a way to make the pain go away,, I have come to the realization ,,,
It shouldnt .
When you mourn someone,, they dont go away. It doesnt get easier,, you dont "close the book" on them. You dont EVER find closure..
As my brother so poignantly said. "why would you want to ?"
As Benjamin Button said,, you have to lose someone you love to truly know how much they really meant to you.

They will ALWAYS be in your life ,, in your memories and,,, .
In your heart.
And if you loved them
Thats how it always should be.